People often say that nothing can prepare you for how much life changes when you have a child. However many stacks of baby books are studied, classes are taken, educational videos watched or friends’ advice or warnings heeded, becoming a parent doesn’t come with a definitive Ikea-style instruction manual, simply because no two experiences are ever identical.

We might have a vague idea of how it will shake or fortify our relationships, friendships, careers, bodies and identities, but we really have no idea. For women, there are very few experiences that divide life into a ‘before’ and ‘after’ like having children can, and mothers will tell you that motherhood transforms you in ways that are rarely talked about.

As a women’s therapist and coach, Susie Masterson often hears women talk about their different expectations of becoming a parent: how they imagined it would be and how the reality aligned or diverged. She explains that although every woman is unique, our stories often converge due to a combination of social conditioning and early childhood experiences. “Some women might be determined not to repeat the perceived mistakes of their mothers, while others feel the pressure of ensuring their kids’ experiences live up to their own wonderful childhoods,” she says.

In the same way that women are often made to feel guilty and are pitted against each other, Masterson says this becomes particularly acute when we become mothers. “The combination of familial, cultural and societal expectations can be overwhelming, and as a result, we can lose our sense of self.”

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