“I felt like a failure”

Sian, 39

“When my marriage ended at 36, part of the reason I felt like such a failure was the realisation that it would be unlikely that I would have children. It’s been a few years now, and I’ve not met anyone with whom I’d want to start a family. My family have always loved children and put a lot of emphasis on prioritising family. My mum had me at 20, so I grew up with a network of aunties, uncles and grandparents. Family was community to us. I always felt that I would be a parent, and that the expectation would be that I’d have my own family. My mum is fantastic with children, so much so that she works with them. When I see her with my friends’ kids, it’s so lovely, but I also feel so sad that I can’t provide that experience for her.

“I’d describe the feeling as grief – grieving the life you thought you’d have, and in a lot of ways, it’s grieving that vision of my mum being a grandma to my children. From what I see with my friends, it seems as though your relationship with your mum takes on a whole new depth when you become a mother yourself, and we won’t get to have that shared experience.

“When I expressed this to my mum, I was surprised to learn that the most important thing to her was not that I have children, but that I build a life for myself that makes me happy – especially after being in a marriage with someone who didn’t prioritise my needs (including my somewhat limited biological window in which to have children). She shared with me that after having three children of her own in her 20s and 30s and being in unhappy relationships, she is now (at 62) experiencing the kind of freedom she’s never had before. She’s not envious of her friends who have gone from being parents to grandparents, as it’s another stage of responsibility. Her life is now hers; she has a thriving social life and has so many hobbies

“So now, it feels like not having children is breaking a bit of a generational pattern of having children in unhappy relationships, and I think my mum sees this very much as an opportunity for me to grow as a person, not as something that’s a failure.”

“I feel it’s almost my duty to have a child”

Darla*, 33

“As the only daughter (I have four older brothers), I feel like it’s almost my duty to have a child and give my mum (I’m not that close with my dad) a grandchild. I just know it would bring her so much happiness and she’d love being a grandparent to her ‘baby’s baby’. It doesn’t stop at my mum: I feel like I should give my nieces/nephews another cousin to love, which would also delight my siblings-in-law.

“The pressure is mainly my own, but it’s probably fuelled by questions from my family. ‘Why don’t you just have one?’ – like it’s an easy decision. In my family, it’s a given that everyone will have children, even though I still don’t know if I want any.”

“At every family occasion, I would be asked why I didn’t want children”

Meg, 36

“I can’t ever remember wanting children, and growing up, I never had any pressure from my family about it. However, when I married my husband (an only child), who was on the same page, I hadn’t prepared myself for how much his mum would try to change my mind.

“At every family occasion for over five years, I would be asked why I didn’t want them, that I should want them as I grew up in a lovely family, and that I’d taken away her ‘only chance’ at grandchildren. It was non-stop during this time, and all aimed at me. Even when my husband would step in and come to my rescue, it was still insinuated that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, a woman, for not choosing this path.

“As time went on, the pressure slowed. Thankfully, it rarely comes up now.”

“I have felt this pressure immeasurably”

Ali, 41

“As the only daughter and only child, I have felt this pressure immeasurably, especially as I’ve got older. There is no one else to rely on to ‘produce’ grandchildren but me. This has been my own narrative that’s played on repeat.

“The pressure to provide grandchildren has never come from my parents directly, but a strong internal pressure from me, which has reared its ugly head more than I’d like to admit. There is a sadness, as my dad (who died four years ago) didn’t get to experience being a grandparent.

“My mum has always supported me without ever pressuring me about grandchildren, yet I know how much joy it would bring her and what a wonderful granny she would be. She is naturally gentle and loving, especially with children and babies. We’ve had numerous conversations about it over the years, and she has often said to me that all she wants is to see me happy, whatever direction/shape that might take in terms of having children.

“On a recent trip to Ikea, a group WhatsApp chat popped up on her phone with friends sharing photos of their grandchildren, cooing and sending emojis. There was a pang of sadness that she doesn’t have the same to share, so instead of a grandchild, she may end up with a grand-dog as the next best thing.”

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