Before we get to the need-to-ask questions, it’s worth having a think about how and when to chat to kids, and this is something that will vary depending on the age of your children.

“We absolutely do need to talk to children differently at different ages,” says registered psychologist Dr Carolyne Keenan. “Their language, emotional development and ability to reflect on their own thoughts all change as they grow. A five-year-old makes sense of the world through concrete experiences, whereas a teenager is beginning to form an identity and understand more complex social dynamics. When we pitch our questions at the right developmental level, children feel understood rather than interrogated.”

1. Check in with yourself first

We know it’s not realistic to think through every single verbal interaction with your child, but when it comes to the big ones, it’s worth taking a beat and working out what you’re trying to achieve from the conversation.

“Before asking children questions, it’s important to check in with our own intention,” says Dr Keenan. “Are we trying to connect or are we looking for reassurance that they’re doing OK? Children are often reluctant to talk about school, for example, because it’s emotionally loaded. They may not want to relive moments that felt embarrassing, overwhelming or confusing. And sometimes they simply don’t have the language yet to explain their day in a neat, adult-friendly way.”

2. Use short questions

Top tip? Keep questions relevant and concise. “Children don’t not want to talk, but they shut down when questions feel too broad or adult-centric,” Dr Fleetwood Meade tells The Village by Stylist. “For example. the after-school classic of ‘How was your day?’ invites a one-word answer. Children may also feel like questions are an interrogation rather than a conversation, especially if they fear they will be judged or criticised, or if responses are too heavy on problem-solving rather than connecting and listening.”

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