And the cost is real. Whether it’s people crying in the toilets between meetings, the strain it puts on confidence and mental health or brilliant people leaving roles they once loved because it no longer feels possible to stay, taking with them so much potential that the organisation can’t replace.

Cultures shift like this all the time, often without anyone naming it. Someone becomes untouchable; everyone else adapts. The people holding things together get labelled as too sensitive or not resilient enough, and the person causing the disruption is protected because their performance is seen as indispensable.

My own turning point wasn’t dramatic. It happened slowly, through small moments of recognition. I realised I only ever felt ‘difficult’ around people whose behaviour was genuinely problematic. The confusion I’d been carrying wasn’t a lack of confidence. It was the result of working in environments that rewarded exactly the traits that made others unsafe to challenge them.

Once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. Not in teams. Not in leaders. Not in the people who come to you convinced they’re the problem when they’ve been holding everything together for years.

It’s one of the reasons I’m so committed to the work I do now. Once you’ve lived through environments shaped by brilliance at any cost, you’re determined to help build something different. It’s something I explored in a recent TEDx talk, too – what happens when we spend too long admiring the wrong signals.

So here’s what I wish I’d known sooner. Your instincts aren’t flaws; they’re information. Your discomfort isn’t immaturity; it’s a signal. Your emotions aren’t the issue; the environment is.

If you’ve ever admired someone who made you feel smaller, you’re not naïve. You’re human. The system rewards the wrong signals. You were pulled into the glow of someone who was never as brilliant as they seemed, and far more costly to stand beside.

Francesca O’Connor is the co-founder of HappyHQ

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